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Status update.

Sometimes science works.

Science for me is working for now. I'm 15 weeks 2 days pregnant from my first round of ivf and as of my last scan 1.5 weeks ago I have a thing with a beating heart in a place inside of me that was empty for several years. First trimester was easy, now clothes are starting to get snug and I'm buying things like "nipple cream" and a "pregnancy pillow" and Matt and I are having conversations about "names" etc. I'm not "connected" to this thing but that's common in regular pregnancies as well as in pregnancies conceived via ivf after years of infertility and loss. I can't summon up any "excitement" about this but I do feel thankful and I do not believe how stupid lucky I am that one go at ivf is so far working, first birth control pill in September and pregnancy confirmed in December, I don't know how that happened, well yes I know how that happened but I don't know how that and this happened to US.

I'm terrified that this won't stick, at my first ultrasound at 6 weeks I couldn't breathe and at each subsequent ultrasound I go numb about an hour before and can't form a sentence until I see the heartbeat but I think that's common too.

For now I'm pregnant though, and there are lots and lots of complicated fucking emotions rolling around but this is my reality for now and it seems pretty damn similar to other realities and that, for now, for me, is ok.