IVFlipping Out

I've been absent, and this is long.

We got 2 normal embryos. omg. 

I started my transfer cycle. Birth control, estrogen pills, and two types of progesterone therapy: The first, a needle that I fill with Progesterone In Oil (PIO), and the other a tampon-like insert containing a gel that I push into myself each night. If I get pregnant, I will continue to take the progesterone(s) until well into the first trimester, when the placenta takes over and begins to produce the hormone on its own. 

1.5 inches of pure happiness

A few days ago I went in for my Frozen Embryo (Blastocyst) Transfer. It's goddamn sorcery: a doctor inserts the recently thawed, beautiful, perfect blast directly into the uterus, where it has a chance to hatch (if not hatched already) and implant. Implantation is the big big deal here, it's the main attraction, it's what means you're pregnant and what starts producing hcg (which turns that second line pink).

I transferred a week ago. Tomorrow I take a blood test to find out whether it took, and whether I'm pregnant. 

And my right now is unlike any reality or dream I've ever experienced.

Over the years, this is what I've done to get pregnant:

1. Every single morning, I've taken my basal body temperature and a (pee) test that tells a woman whether she's gearing up to ovulate. I've monitored and analyzed the consistency of my cervical fluid, and for a couple years, I checked the position and texture (firm? soft? medium?) of my cervix.

2. Lost weight, gained weight, maintained weight. I've increased and decreased physical activity. I've added soy, cut out soy, eaten pineapple core, drunk pomegranate juice, tried Atkins, tried Keto, tried Whole 30, cut out drinking, drunk excessively, cut out gluten, stopped eating sugar, gone vegan, gone vegetarian, gone raw, gone high protein. 

3. Taken Chinese herbs, Pregnitude, baby aspirin, CoQ10, Ubiquinol, 5 or 6 different types of prenatals, and then the heavy hitters: letrozole, estrogen tablets, progesterone suppositories, and the trigger shot. I've had one miscarriage, one ectopic, six chemicals, 2 IUI's. I've had hundreds of blood draws, dozens of ultrasounds, weekly monitoring and daily monitoring. 

4. Seen five to seven different obgyn's: some of them good, some of them bad, some of them irresponsible hacks

5. Been to acupuncture, a psychic, and a shaman. I did reiki once. 

6. Insisted on mandated timed intercourse, every month, for years, which is, if you can't imagine, one of the least romantic and intimate acts a couple can engage in.

7. Looked into adoption (SO DON'T ASK), surrogacy (DO NOT ASK), egg donation, sperm donation (don't ask don't ask PLEASE don't ask). 

8. Stayed home from baby showers and bridal showers, I've left early from plays and parties and events, I've become better friends with The Real Housewives than any human person, all because I am a drag right now. I am such an incredible drag. And I don't want to subject the people around me to my misery. And I can't handle abundant happiness right now, and I haven't been able to for years. 

9. Missed out on my friend's and my family's major life events because I am reminded, constantly, of my child-less state and it destroys me, friends. It destroys me.

10. Broken down because of diapers, pictures of ultrasounds (oh god), a baby's cry, pregnancy photos, women complaining about morning sickness (or insomnia/swollen ankles/hormones/etc)...Hanukkah, Christmas, Thanksgiving...social media can suck it, too. 

And then I did IVF. Which you know all about. I've been sick since I started my transfer cycle, in one way or another, and I can't lay or sleep on my side and I have uncomfortable gunk coming out of me all day. 

Infertility, especially prolonged infertility, is not a once-a-month thing. It's not a something I think about every so often. It is every second of every day. My infertility has become my identity, and before you tell me that I just need to alter my mindset, please spend a couple of years losing pregnancies and drugging yourself with mind and mood-altering hormones. 

This is why I get bristly when people tell me to relax or think positively or "hope for the best" (thoughts and prayers are worthless everywhere and here). It's why I cannot stand, CANNOT STAND, when people make recommendations to "improve my chances." It's why I prefer a strictly science-based approach, and it's why I've resorted to the most sophisticated biological process that currently exists to get me pregnant. I am obsessed with my infertility and obsessed with overcoming my infertility, and if you recommend a new study or treatment, at this point in my process, I'm likely to lose my everloving shit. 

I'm a mess, folks.

Tomorrow, she's almost here.

And here we go.